This is one slippery pickle. When should you disclose?
Despite extensive progress in recent years, the stigma against both addiction and mental illness remains high. But there are simple statements you can make to dodge the question at first.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to every person or situation, I’ve come up with the following rules for myself.
It makes sense to let the new party know about your status after getting to know them pretty well. If you’re comfortable enough to let out a huge burp in front of someone, then you’re probably ready to reveal.
Dating
I’ve been dating — unsuccessfully — since I got sober in 2012. As a rule of thumb, I do not disclose my bipolar until the third date at the earliest. This way, the person in question has already experienced my personality and we may have even been intimate, both of which can make the other party less likely to judge. If I get to the third date, I figure we at least have some degree of chemistry and have both invested a good chunk of time. I wouldn’t want either of us to waste any more time if either of us isn’t comfortable after I’ve made the Big Reveal.
I’ve never had someone walk out on me after I’ve revealed my disorder or my addiction. It could be that I swim in liberal and artistic circles, but I think any reasonable person would not see the bipolar or addiction as a dealbreaker. And if it is a dealbreaker, you probably wouldn’t want to be with a them anyway.
As for alcohol, it is of course extremely common to drink a glass of wine with dinner, especially when you are in need of some liquid courage to keep the conversation going during your date. My strategy is to keep it classy by ordering a San Pellegrino over ice with lime. It’s kind of like a cocktail without the alcohol, plus it looks like a gin and tonic. I feign disinterest in alcohol.
I often encounter the question either from dates or new friends: “You don’t drink?” or “Why don’t you drink?” And my answers vary. Everything from “I don’t like the taste of alcohol” to “I used to drink but now I’m living a sober life because it’s healthier” to “I’m a teetotaler.” I tailor my response to the situation, usually going by gut instinct.
Friends and Family
When it comes to people you’ve known for years, such as friends or family, you may also have to tailor your responses when you disclose. It’s likely that your immediately family knows because they have helped you along the way. Extended family, depending on how close you are with them, may or may not need to know.
When it comes to children — I have an eight-year-old nephew — I haven’t gone there yet. I’ve decided to wait until he’s at least 10. The alcoholism can be a cautionary tale.
Your best friends should know, especially if you may need to break plans due to a bad mental health day or anxiety attack.
Acquaintances or friends of friends don’t need to know.
Professional Colleagues
At work, it’s a bit of a dicey situation. When I was severely manic in 2008, it was obvious that something was wrong with me, especially when I went on medical leave. “Why were you gone?” is a question I fielded several times. I would just say, “I was out for personal reasons” and leave it at that. It worked.
Overall, I would keep a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with regards to coworkers and bosses. If you have coworkers you are especially close with, you might want to reveal your status to them and them only. And make it clear that you are telling them in confidence.
Revealing your bipolar or addiction can be embarrassing, but once you’ve told the important people in your life, the clouds will be lifted and you will feel much better for it.
